I'm Much Too Important For This Blog

No, I'm not God. He's upstairs in Continuing Education.

2005-08-18T11:43:00.000-07:00

This is for anyone who reads my blog to pass on to family members, friends and acquaintances.

No matter how “Important” you think you are, everyone’s life does not revolve around you. If you are going somewhere for a meeting it is YOUR responsibility as a functioning adult to know what the hell you are going to. I am not a “real” omnipotent type god (just one that lives in people’s refrigerators).

In short I have determined if someone comes up to my front desk to ask me about an event they are supposed to attend, but they have no idea what it’s called, what department it’s with, or what time it begins, I am going to give them the finger. I may lose my job, but I will keep the thin veil of what remains of my sanity.

Are Bombings Ever to Someone's "Advantage"?

2005-07-07T16:17:00.000-07:00

So I'm reading around and evidently some absolutely soulless bastards from FOX News think that the bombings in London are a GOOD thing. I really am beyond infuriated at how completely callous these people are. I guess terrorist bombings help the right wing sell the idea that the fact that Earth is getting really hot and people are starving to death in 3rd world countries aren't really pressing issues. People are dead and the only thing these horrible people have to say is:

http://mediamatters.org/items/200507070005

KILMEADE: And he [British Prime Minister Tony Blair] made the statement, clearly shaken, but clearly determined. This is his second address in the last hour. First to the people of London, and now at the G8 summit, where their topic Number 1 --believe it or not-- was global warming, the second was African aid. And that was the first time since 9-11 when they should know, and they do know now, that terrorism should be Number 1. But it's important for them all to be together. I think that works to our advantage, in the Western world's advantage, for people to experience something like this together, just 500 miles from where the attacks have happened.

VARNEY: It puts the Number 1 issue right back on the front burner right at the point where all these world leaders are meeting. It takes global warming off the front burner. It takes African aid off the front burner. It sticks terrorism and the fight on the war on terror, right up front all over again.

Well, congrats I'm glad you guys feel like a terrorist attack fulfills your wet dream of getting Science and starving children out of the focus of attention. So hip hip hooray!

Also on a side note Fox New's Brit Hume upon hearing the news of the terrorist attack was:
"I mean, my first thought when I heard -- just on a personal basis, when I heard there had been this attack and I saw the futures this morning, which were really in the tank, I thought, "Hmmm, time to buy."

http://mediamatters.org/items/200507070007

So not only do they think the murder of innocent people raises the stature of American interests in the war, but they also feel the attack was a good opportunity to diversify their portfolios.

Nice one.

Holy Crap Batman! I was tagged!

2005-07-06T13:19:00.000-07:00

1. What were three of the stupidest things you have done in your life?

Believed my dad when he said he wasn't having an affair
Got 2 cats (I love them to death but I haven't slept for more than 2 hrs at a time for about 8 months)
Didn't help my brother when he asked for it

2. At the current moment, who has the most influence in your life?

3. If you were given a time machine that functioned, and you were allowed to only pick up to five people to dine with, who would you pick?

Thoreau
Gandhi
Jon Stewart or Conan O'Brien (it's a tie so either one will work)
Oscar Wilde
Nelson Mandela

4. If you had three wishes that were not supernatural, what would they be?

For the American people to open their eyes and not be blinded by bigoted hate or rhetoric (We are a superpower and it's important to use that power for the good of all of humanity)
To make sure the aid that is supposed to go to poor, starving, sick and dying children really gets to them and doesn't end up lining the pockets of some greedy and utterly vile bureaucrat
No more rich men with fancy watches and small penises driving Hummers

5. Someone is visiting your hometown/place where you live at the moment. Name two things you regret your city not having, and two things people should avoid.

I regret my city not having: 1. A diverse open minded population 2. A more stable public transportation service
People should avoid: 1. Walmart (even more so after midnight) 2. Any place with too many motorcylces and pickup trucks brandishing the Confederate flag.

6. Name one event that has changed your life.

Leaving New Jersey

7. Tag 3 people.

Considering that I'm a blogging degenerate and cannot maintain a site suitable for public viewing, I have no one to tag because someone else has already picked them. I'll just be a sullen blogger with no one in the whole wide world to tag. (If you would liked to be tagged by me in the future leave your name and a message in the comments and I'll get back to you as soon as someone picks me again. Thanks.)

You Go, Boy(s)!

2005-07-03T12:14:00.000-07:00

These men were spooky right on.

"As democracy is perfected, the office of president represents, more and more closely, the inner soul of the people. On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron." H.L. Mencken (1880 - 1956)

"Should any political party attempt to abolish social security, unemployment insurance and eliminate labor laws and farm programs, you would not hear of that party again in our political history. There is a tiny splinter group, of course, that believes that you can do these things. Among them are a few Texas oil millionaires, and an occasional politician or businessman from other areas. Their number is negligible and they are stupid." Dwight Eisenhower

"Trying to eliminate Saddam, extending the ground war into an occupation of Iraq, would have violated our guideline about not changing objectives in midstream, engaging in "mission creep," and would have incurred incalculable human and political costs. Apprehending him was probably impossible. We had been unable to find Noriega in Panama, which we knew intimately. We would have been forced to occupy Baghdad and, in effect, rule Iraq. The coalition would instantly have collapsed, the Arabs deserting it in anger and other allies pulling out as well. Under the circumstances, there was no viable "exit strategy" we could see, violating another of our principles. Furthermore, we had been self-consciously trying to set a pattern for handling aggression in the post-Cold War world. Going in and occupying Iraq, thus unilaterally exceeding the United Nations' mandate, would have destroyed the precedent of international response to aggression that we hoped to establish. Had we gone the invasion route, the United States could conceivably still be an occupying power in a bitterly hostile land. It would have been a dramatically different — and perhaps barren — outcome. " George W. Bush Sr.

2005-06-30T14:33:00.000-07:00

I guess a new post is long overdue. If I actually had people who visited my blog that I didn't see and work with everyday I could pretend this hiatus was because I went on some really cool excursion. But, since just about everyone who reads this thing sees me on a daily basis I must admit that the reason for the long delay is much more sinister than an island getaway. The reason is pure and utter laziness. Just like Queenie is 1 funny bitch, I'm1 lazy bitch.

So... what to talk about???

How bout Tom Cruise losing it. Poor guy has really gone bonkers. I think perhaps Mr. Cruise would do well with a good dose of ritalin and a new PR person.

Spain became the third country to legalize same sex marriage. That means a change in the length of church service in Jacksonville, FL where 92 percent of the population just added a whole country to their Sunday 'prayer list'.

I saw hilarious video of a DEA agent giving a presentation to a room full of school children about the dangers of drugs and guns. After insisting he is the only person qualified to possess the firearm he shoots himself in the leg. The video does not end here, despite being in pain (of which I'm using common sense to discern, because this guy just kept going with the lecture like nothing happened) he reaches into his arsenal and returns with some semi automatic. This is the point in the video where screaming and crying occurs. It's web magic.

"Later in the Danish interview, Bush said the United States was looking for ways to "diversify away from fossil fuels" to reduce its dependence on Middle East oil.
"We're hooked on oil from the Middle East, which is a national security problem and an economic security problem," Bush said." I love how he used the words "hooked on" made me think of those old hooked on phonics commercials. Here's another one of Mr. Bush's quotes "Free societies are hopeful societies. And free societies will be allies against these hateful few who have no conscience, who kill at the whim of a hat."—Washington, D.C., Sept. 17, 2004. I personally would never kill at the whim of a hat, but I guess that's just me. Guess hooked on phonics doesn't work for everyone.

So other than a bit of Bush bashing, some amateur psychiatric advice, and some love for diversity and equality I think that's about it. See you guys later.

100 Mildly Interesting Facts About Moi

2005-05-25T15:51:00.000-07:00

Here's my list:

1.I don’t have a favorite color.
2.My favorite poems are: Ginsberg’s “America”, Elliot’s “The Love song of J. Alfred Prufrock”, and Angelou’s “Still I Rise” (This particular poem has one of the most stark and poignant similes I’ve encountered)
3.I love digging my toes into wet sand. ( I hate the feeling of dry sand, though)
4.I love Star Wars and Star Trek. (Thanks, Dad)
5.I love myself even though I’m fat.
6.I still love my dad.
7.If I could hang out with any living person it would be a tie between Jon Stewart and Conan O’Brien.
8.I didn’t do a single homework assignment my senior year of H.S.
9.I also missed 48 days that year.
10.I’d rather date someone funny than cute.
11.I had a crush on the same boy all through H.S. because he was funny.
12.I don’t really remember my childhood.
13.I sometimes pretend I’m listening to people but I’m just saying “yeah” or nodding every few seconds to trick them.
14.The first time I got high I peed myself…twice.
15.I didn’t learn to drive until I was 20.
16.I actually like riding the public bus.
17.I’m insanely competitive when it comes to trivia games.
18.I didn’t learn how to ride a bike until I was 12.
19.I uncontrollably shake and cry whenever I go to church (which is just one reason why I haven’t been in years).
20.I fell down the ‘bunny’ slope during my 1st ski lesson and never put skis on again.
21.I make my boyfriend scratch my back just cause it feels good.
22.My friend’s puppy was acting weird so I picked it up and held it above my head (in that cute way you hold babies up), she then vomited worms all over me. I tore off my shirt in front of 2 innocent children and proceeded to run around the house screaming and crying with no shirt on.
23.When I was in the 1st grade I was runner up in the school spelling bee. The word I missed was banana. It took me until about the 7th grade to stop misspelling it.
24.I’m biased towards people with country accents. (I really try not to be, but for some reason they actually scare me).
25.I’m guilty of ‘political party’ profiling.
26.I’d be living in NYC right now if I hadn’t fallen in love.
27.My favorite painting is “Birthday” by Chagall.
28.I’m obsessed with Tetris. I currently have a high score of 10million 226 thousand. And that’s on a cell phone.
29.My favorite band is Radiohead.
30.I could probably recite every line of Steel Magnolias with the movie. (Thanks, Mom)
31.I cry every time I read the written or spoken words of Sacco and Vanzetti.
32.If I could hang out with any person who has died it would be Oscar Wilde.
33.I think David Lynch is insane, but amazing.
34.I’m a lover not a fighter.
35.I don’t agree with the direction this country is going in.
36.I was the leader of ‘Students for Dean’ on my college campus.
37.I’ve seen a dead body.
38.My kitten once took a shit on my lap in the car. (Not a normal cute kitty kind of poop, but a "i just ate a bowl full of milk and my tummy's feeling funny' kind of poop.) I had to sit and wait for 20 minutes to get home. The whole time my friend was holding a car air freshener to my nose so I wouldn’t vomit.
39.If I hear someone else vomit, I’ll vomit.
40.I’d rather stay at my job where I don’t make much money, because I like everyone I work with, than take a new job that would pay me much more.
41.I love the Simpsons.
42.I broke a sandal running away from an alligator.
43.I love mashed potatoes, Edy’s whole fruit bars, Abe’s pizza, and Lemonheads.
44.I look through people’s bathroom cabinets. (Never dropped anyone’s toothbrush in the toilet though)
45.I’ve had sex on my brother’s bed.
46.I’ve had sex on someone else’s brother’s bed.
47.I can’t hula-hoop.
48.I can’t double-dutch. (The bane of my childhood existence because I’m from Jersey where everyone can double-dutch).
49.I developed an intense fear of clowns when my brother was lost at the circus.
50.I think “Joey” should not date Tom Cruise.
51.I’ve been kissed (on the cheek) by countless drag queens.
52.I’ve never smoked a cigarette.
53.I’ve never held a gun.
54.I used to strip naked and walk around the house while sleepwalking. This caused significant problems when one night I ran a bath and almost drowned.
55.I was on my middle school and high school Brain Brawl teams.
56.I would have sneaked something in Willy Wonka’s factory too.
57.I was President of the Social and Political Conversation Club in my H.S.
58.When I was in middle school a boy punched me in the face.
59.I don’t believe in diplomatic immunity.
60.I sing in the car and don’t care who sees me.
61.My favorite season is fall.
62.I was in my H.S. drama class’s adaptation of My Fair Lady.
63.I forget A LOT.
64.I love sharpened pencils. It’s sick really. When I see a really sharp pencil it makes me all giddy inside in ways that just aren’t natural.
65.I read news stories for hours straight when I get to work.
66.If I could, I’d wear flip-flops all year round and for every occasion.
67.As a kid I was terrified of my brother’s “My Buddy” doll because I thought it looked like Chucky, the homicidal, murderer possessed, play toy of a lot of kids who ended up dead.
68.I think people who hurt children should be put to death. And I don’t believe in the death penalty. This is my exception.
69.I sometimes pretend I’m listening to music at the bus stop because I don’t want strangers talking to me.
70.Rich women with nothing but time on their hands, scare me.
71.I want to be a teacher.
72.I love to read.
73.I used to take the mini Barbie microphone from my Gem doll and pretend I was Madonna.
74.I would also put a tape player on my bike and ride around listening to “Holiday” and “Lucky Star” ALL THE TIME. (And this is after I was 12.)
75.I’m a tad bit obsessed with getting Gmail.
76.I think torturing people is unconscionable and extremely un-American.
77.I become infuriated when I see normal, non-military personnel, Joe Shmoes driving Hummers. Trust me your penis cannot possibly be that small that you need a makeshift tank to make you feel good about yourself. Perhaps John Bobbit might get a pass.
78.My cats don’t let me sleep.
79.I’m nosy.
80.I love old men who dress really nice in old time-y clothes. (Reminds me of my abuelo.)
81.Every paper I have ever written, since I started writing papers in elementary school, was written the night before it was due. (Actually about 2 in the morning the night before it was due is more appropriate.) In high school and college this was extremely useful because I got to catch the reruns of Meet The Press that air at 3:00am on Monday morning. So I rationalize the procrastination by insisting that I am truly enriching myself in the long run by keeping on top of current events.
82.I don’t just procrastinate on schoolwork. I procrastinate on everything.
83.I hate lotions.
84.I’m a vegetarian.
85.I double dip. My boss who happens to love Seinfeld brought this to my attention.
86.I’ve voted in every election since I signed up for my voter’s registration card on the day I turned 18.
87.I hate when I make directional signs at work and people breeze right past them only to ask me for directions.
88.I’m very much like John Kerry in that I’m incredibly long winded. What should take me a few words to convey normally turns into a lengthy paragraph with many unnecessary nuances and changes in thematic direction.
89.I don’t like lipstick, but I do like lip gloss. It must conform to my specific standards though. Non-sticky and with a tinge of color is a must.
90.I never get the chance to eat dinner before 10 o’clock on a workday.
91.I can take a 5 minute shower, including a shampoo, when I’m pressed.
92.I’ve never worn foundation, or any other makeup that is applied on the actual face.
93.When I was a kid I desperately wanted straight hair, but after having many friends with straight hair I changed my mind.
94.I believe gays and lesbians should have the right to marry.
95.Sometimes I steal gum from my coworkers.
96.I get a somewhat sick enjoyment out of reading News of the Weird in the Folio Weekly and Odd News on Yahoo. To give you an example of the insanity, a recent story explained how a drunken man jumped out of a car traveling at 60 mph because his cigarette flew out the window. I could not stop laughing. On an interesting side note, when I told one of the boys that works with me the story, his response was “Was it a marijuana cigarette?” When I explained to him that it wasn’t, he could not believe someone risking his life for ‘just a cigarette.’ I love my coworkers.
97.My favorite comic strips are: “Pearls Before Swine” “Non-Sequitur” and “Boondocks”.
98.The only book I’ve ever started reading and simply could not bear to complete was A Separate Peace.
99.In 11th grade I made heart shaped cookies with the scarlet letter ‘A’ on them (to symbolize the scarlet letter on the heart of Arthur Dimmesdale). I also made a piñata car with candy inside to use for simulating the car wreck in The Great Gatsby. I learned quickly that when receiving peer evaluations, it pays to bribe the class with delicious treats. I got an A on both projects.
100.This number is reserved for anyone with personal knowledge of me to interject an interesting factoid that I may have missed.

Bye, Sabry.

2005-05-09T14:15:00.000-07:00

I'll miss you.

I'm Pissed

2005-05-06T06:28:00.000-07:00

So I have a few things to say. First of all I'm sick of stupid people. By stupid I mean ignorant, closeminded, hateful, sheep with no autonomous thought and no room for improvement. I am hopeless. I'm hopeless for this country that I live in. I was reading the news and I came across a few things that bought me to the determination that I will not live in this country, as soon as I can afford to live in another one. Which probably means I'm stuck here forever. One things for sure, I will never have a child in Jacksonville, Florida. Never. Ever.
Here are a few stories I've read this morning that contributed to my state of pissery:

1. Evidently homosexuals are what's wrong with this country. There seems to be nothing more important to the right wing than keeping G&Ls from marrying the people that they love. Actually marriage is pushing it, they are fighting about civil unions, any other crumb that makes em human, and a law that would make it illegal to discriminate against someone based on orientation. So forget the debt, the war, the uninsured, the homeless, the hungry, the murderers, the hole in the sky, the sycophants, and the daily dead. We should all put our energy towards keeping those homos single.

2. The state board of education in Kansas is holding a meeting tonight to determine whether or not evolution should be taught in the schools. I really shouldn't have to say anything more than this. They want "intelligent design" to be taught, which is just a fancy way of saying creationism. I'm sorry but I'm willing to bet eternal damnation that we were not made in a day out of dust. I'm also willing to bet a few millenia having a hot poker stuck in my eye that the existence of the Earth dates back just a few more billion years than only 6 or 7 thousand years. You people need to stop reading the bible. Right now. It's not literal. I heard a guy say "If I say I have a frog in my throat, and you really think I have something green in there, you're crazy." So if it says we were made by God in one day out of dust, its not to be taken literally. Stop Reading it now. If you can't tell a metaphor or a simile from fact, go back to literature class. When I studied the Scopes Monkey Trial in American History I remember thinking how insane those Honkies were...Now I've got a whole new set of Honkies to worry about.

3. "WASHINGTON - The last 58.5 million acres of untouched national forests, which President Clinton had set aside for protection, were opened to possible logging, mining and other commercial uses by the Bush administration on Thursday." This is fucking bullshit. When we all suffocate and die, we'll realize what fools we are.

4. I just found out that in all but 5 states your personal politics can get you fired from work. Even if you are like my friend, a closest Democrat in the office, you are still at risk. If someone from your workplace were to find out that your politics don't jive with their politics, you can be ousted and you'll have no recourse. I think it's nonsense that you can't exercise your freedom of speech outside the workplace or on your persons. One lady was fired because of her blog, and another was fired because of her bumper sticker. And my disdain for this thing goes both ways, there was a girl fired from Playgirl because "they would have never hired her if they knew she was a an admitted republican" That's freakin ridiculous. I guess that the fact people only watch news broadcasts that are skewed to their views trancends television watching. Now in order to avoid intellegent debate and a questioning of view points, make it a point to surround yourself with people who only share your view. I guess that means I've got some friends to fire.
Please.

I'm Sad

2005-05-02T08:19:00.000-07:00

I miss Sabry.

Battle of the Balls/How am I not Dead Yet??

2005-04-27T16:04:00.000-07:00

I don't mean to be meladramatic here, but I've got to get something off my chest. It's something that's effecting my life, and effecting my relationships with the people I love the most. Here goes....Hello my name is Jennifer and I am a cat owner. I know to people out there this seems to make no sense, so let me elaborate on why my feline ownership is such a problem. OK imagine your sleeping. I'm talking 3 in the morning/ maybe having a really great dream about sex kind of sleeping and you hear the sound of two wild animals. It freaky shit, let me tell you, but then you realize the two wild animals are actually your incredibly spoiled/pain in the ass house cats. Bistro and Frodo, two short hair kitties with a penchant for destruction and a hunger for sandals. Now for a little background. Bistro is the first cat I ever owned in my life, I got him for my 9 month anniversary and he was such a sweetheart. That is until he discovered he has the power and the tools to inflict horrible pain. Scratching, gouging, biting, you name it he loves it. I never believed that animals could take a role on the bondage/S&M hierarchy of Freaks but he's up there(no offense to any current practitioners of the S&M lifestyle who may read this blog, it's just not my cup of tea). Bistro is definitely the S in the house. My other kitty, Frodo, is the M. Its not unusual to see little, ity-bity Frodo laying on his back, while considerably larger Bistro, repeatedly pelts him on the head, or bites his tiny ears, or runs him into a wall. Frodo doesn't actually DO anything about it, he just whines and takes it like a bitch. So, I have become the Mills Lane of my home. I think the entire catfight began with Bistro's realization that Frodo has something that Bistro lost some time ago...testicles. I have a severe case of feline penis envy on my hands. Penis envy, teste envy, its all the same thing. So some of you may be wondering how this has caused such havoc in my life. Perhaps you're thinking , oh get over it. Well folks I'm hear to tell you that I haven't gotten a restful nights sleep in about 3 weeks. I am currently a zombie (without the whole hunger for human flesh thing) I am the walking dead. How my brain hasn't shut down is beyond my level of comprehension. I think perhaps my brain knows that I have bills to pay and must go to work. The laws of nature dictate that these little fellas won't get along because the obstacle to a balanced friendship (Frodo's testicles) are in the way. So I have about 5 weeks before Frodo shares in the joy of being ball-less with Bistro, thus enabling me to get a good nights sleep. Here's hoping I don't keel over from exhaustion in the mean time.

You will always be remembered...

2005-03-31T17:09:00.000-08:00

Mitch Hedberg (1968-2005)

"I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry. And that's extra scary to me, because there's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run. He's fuzzy. Get outta here."

What the hell was I thinking?

2005-03-30T16:49:00.000-08:00

As you can see by the enormous gap in between my post times, I'm not the blogging type. All I can think now is, Where the hell do I get off thinking I can blog something everyday? Well, Just to let the 2 people who read this thing...I can't. I haven't ever kept a diary because I always think of something better to do with my time, like sit on my ass and stare into space.
See: Occupation
So I'll just post something if something cool happens, but other than that this place will be quieter than the icecapades on no cover night at the Metro.

Who the Hell is Dana Wartz?

2005-03-23T15:43:00.000-08:00

The University Center, my place of employment...
I must be an incredibly approachable person because I often get the crazies starting conversations with me, and yesterday was no exception. So, I'm sitting at the front desk and this pudgy woman with wild hair and a minor lisp comes up to me. I love when I ask someone if they need something and their response is "NO" or "Can I get directions to here...". I hate when I ask someone if they need help and I get a partial life history and bizzare questions. So, the lady informs me that she would like to sign up for water aerobics classes. I have nothing against the cardio pumpin' action of water aerobics, but it would be safe to say I don't know a damn thing about it. I've never been to a class, actually I've never even seen the pool on campus. I inform the woman that I know nothing about water aerobics, put I can give her the number to the Aquatics Center, and I also gave her a pretty map with directions on how to get there. After this, she remains at the desk staring at me. At this point I start to realize perhaps there is something a little "off" so I try not to be rude and engage in idle chit chat.
Water Aerobics Facts
1. Indoor pools are good for water aerobics
2. Water aerobics classes costs $80
3. The spring is a good time to take water aerobics classes
4. There are water aerobics classes are offered at quite a few locations in the continental U.S.
These are a few needless things that I have absorbed, undoubtedly forcing something out of my brain that I really might need one day like; how to escape a car that is quickly sinking, how many leaves poison ivy has, where to punch a shark when I'm being eaten alive, and how long a tampon can stay in before I die from Toxic Shock Syndrome.
Well, here's hoping my PMS doesn't cause me to fly off the handle and have a serious case of road rage, that leads to my car flying off a bridge and landing in shark infested water. Because if that happens I'm totally fucked.